Do you ever have to re-learn the same life lessons more than once, or is it just me? I hope I’m not alone in this, because I already feel foolish enough.
I recently made yet another sojourn back to – and subsequently back from – veganism. I was born with a deep love and compassion for animals, and since the age of about five or six, when I discovered where meat came from, it has always bothered me to think of an animal dying so that I could eat its flesh. Although I was a healthy child, I was tiny and frail-looking, so my parents were constantly concerned with my food intake, and on most nights, my required number of bites of meat was apportioned to me and I was not allowed to leave the dinner table until I had consumed every one of those bites. Vegetarianism was not an option.
In what I now think of as the “middle years,” I was far too consumed by the romantic and social aspects of my life to give much thought to what I put in my mouth. But a few years ago, I decided to try becoming a vegetarian. At that point, I had vaguely heard of “vegans” (although I had no idea how to correctly pronounce it), but never seriously considered taking that route. It seemed like something quite extreme to me.
That first trip to veggie-land lasted about 2 months. I had done absolutely no research and was totally unprepared … I thought all I needed to do was not eat meat. So I ate a lot of eggs and cheese and peanut butter, and at the end of 7 weeks, I was feeling weak, cranky, and logy, and I was craving meat so badly that my poodle started looking like those cartoons where you see a big steaming plate of food walking around with four furry legs!
Since that first attempt, there have been several others, the most recent of which [before this one] was about 10 months ago, when I went vegan for the first time. That only lasted a couple of weeks, mostly because I was getting very weak and VERY hungry. I was far better prepared that time, having done extensive research, having calculated the protein requirements for my body, and scrupulously keeping a food journal wherein I tracked the grams of everything to ensure that I was getting all my daily requirements. But I was still hungry … no, I was ALWAYS hungry! It seemed that no matter how much wonderful, delicious vegan food I ate, I was never satisfied.
Now, let me share here that I am a survivor of an eating disorder, and that’s not something to play around with. I spent a full year conquering that problem many years ago, but it’s like a barely-visible wolf who is always looming just outside the perimeter of my life, watching and waiting for any opportunity to pounce and once more take control. Obsessive thinking is the culprit, and I know of no faster way to dive back into obsession than manipulation of my diet. Whether it’s giving up sugar to enhance my physical health, or giving up animal products to soothe my soul, the justification for the beginning of that journey becomes irrelevant as I realize the ultimate destination is the same – a quick fall into the quicksand of obsession.
And let me interject here that if you, the reader, are starting to look down on those of us who deal with this tendency, even ever so slightly, try this little thought experiment: Think of your favorite food in all the world. Imagine it, what it looks like, what it smells like, what it tastes like. Get such a vivid vision of it in your mind that your mouth starts to water just thinking about it. Now, imagine that someone tells you that you can NEVER have that particular treat again. Not that you can only have it occasionally, or that you must perform some feat or accomplish some task before you can have it – simply that you can NEVER EVER have it again. How does that make you feel? What if this omnipotent being told you that you can have anything else on earth you want, and as much of it as you like, but you can never have that again?
Chances are, just as the result of this little allegory, you are already craving whatever your favored treat is, and chances are even greater that you will be having some by the end of this day, or certainly by the end of this week. That is the power of obsession. You just dipped your toe into the edge of a sinkhole that almost sucked me under several years ago, and I will not go swimming in that particular pond any more if I can help it.
So last night, as I sat on the couch playing an online Scrabble-type game on my phone in an attempt to distract myself from the gnawing hunger in the pit of my stomach and the gnawing obsession in the depths of my brain, I began to realize that I was starting to move in a barely-perceptible but definitively circular motion … slowly and gradually at first, but in an ever-tightening pattern that would surely end with me getting drawn into the vortex and going down the drain.
That’s when I realized I had to end this journey, only days since its inception. I felt embarrassed and like a big failure. I have endeavored so many times and with such fervor to be my authentic self and live my beliefs, and I always seem to fall short. So I did what I have been known to do in moments of existential crisis – I called my friend Kathleen! Kathleen is filled with common sense and is one of the most pragmatic and logical people I’ve ever known. She is deep and spiritual and funny and beautiful and intelligent, and has this uncanny knack for kicking me in the ass and bringing me back down to earth when I need it.
I explained my dilemma to Kathleen – or at least this chapter of it – and she sat silent for a moment. When she spoke, her words found their mark in my soul in a very profound way. She said, “I think it’s great that you care about the animals so much; but you have to care about you, too.”
Wow! That was huge! I forgot one of the lessons I so consistently preach to others … you don’t always have to be at the very top of your own priority list, but you should always be ON that list. I was putting all God’s critters on my list, to the exclusion of yours truly! That can never be healthy.
So I decided that I must once more allow my errant inner pendulum to swing back toward center. Finding my balance is one of my major quests this time around, and I cannot abandon that pursuit. And so I will return to my habit of purchasing only organic meat and dairy, and of giving genuine thanks to the animals who gave their lives that I might eat, and mostly of making food a non-issue in my life.
Am I embarrassed to have played this episode out in such a public way? Yeah, a little. But deep down, I am proud … proud that I am brave enough to share my journey with the world even though I may take some ribbing; and proud that spiritual understanding, growth, and development that would once have taken me months or even years now happens in a matter of days or even hours!
Feeling exhausted, hungry, and a little defeated last night, just before I drifted off to sleep, I remembered one more thing I learned a long time ago but had since forgotten … although I am not a rabid, in-your-face Christian person, I do believe that Jesus was the most enlightened being who has ever traversed the surface of this planet, and he was definitely not a vegan! He went fishing and he fed fish to the multitudes following him. He also partook of the traditional Jewish Passover meal, with the main course being lamb.
So I start this new day feeling a bit battered, but delightfully incredulous at the wisdom and growth that keep crashing into my already-richly-blessed life. I am truly wealthy, and for this I am truly grateful!
