It’s all a matter of perspective. Life, I mean. Or more specifically, everything IN life. Let me illustrate.
Right now, I am living without central heat or hot running water in my house. Four weeks ago today I discovered I had a leak in one of my gas lines. The gas company turned off the gas to my house, and I called a local handyman, who came over, promptly located a broken gas line running to an outdoor gaslight in my front yard that I have never used in the 9+ years I’ve lived here, and capped it for me.
I was so excited! I called the gas company, and they came very quickly to reconnect my gas. However, after two tests, the gas man told me NO CAN DO, YOU STILL HAVE A LEAK.
Of course, he had no way of knowing WHERE the leak is, but he couldn’t turn my gas back on. He told me I will have to find and fix the leak, then have the city do an inspection for safety purposes. Once I pass their safety inspection, they give me something called a “green ticket,” and once I am in possession of that prize, then and only then will the gas company come out and turn me back on!
My handy dandy handyman told me my gas lines are ancient and it would be a good idea to just replace them all. He said that would run somewhere between $2,000 and $3,000. Scenes from “The Money Pit” with Tom Hanks and Shelley Long suddenly began running through my head.
So I am discovering that three tiny well-placed space heaters can keep me from freezing, and that heating water on my [thankfully electric] stove and putting it in a 5-gallon bucket, which I then set inside the bathtub, can keep me clean. Of course, it is kind of poignantly ironic to sit in that nice, deep Jacuzzi tub with the jets all the way around and bathe out of a bucket; but at least I’m staying clean.
Now lest you start feeling TOO sorry for me, let me assure you that this is a temporary situation. I think the first handyman is actually a bit lazy and wasn’t very interested in doing too many more relatively small jobs around my house. I’ve already located another one who is more of a go-getter, and had I not come down with a horrible head cold, I would have spent this past weekend digging and poking around in my yard to locate the other gas leak so handyman number 2 could come fix it for me. I suspect it’s emanating from the other non-functional gaslight located in my BACK yard. At any rate, before much longer, all will be restored to normalcy around my place, and life will go on pretty much as it always has.
With one difference. I will be ever more cognizant of, and grateful for, the modern conveniences with which my life is rife! At various points, I’ve lived for short periods of time without electricity, without running water, without heat, and without air conditioning. I’ve experienced lots of time in the past without a washer and dryer, and I’ve never had an automatic dishwasher. For most of my life, there were no such things as cell phones or computers, and my son and I even managed to survive for a couple of months one time without a car.
I try to make it a point to be grateful every day. I look around at the relative luxury in which I reside, and I thank the powers that be. I don’t enjoy heating water on the stove to wash dishes or take a bath, but I’m dreadfully grateful that I have the stove and the electricity and the water. And the dishes. And the food to eat that got the dishes dirty.
What must it be like to have no heat at all, or no running water, or no house for shelter, or no food to eat, let alone dishes to put it on? What must it be like to huddle against a dumpster trying to get out of the cold wind so you can hopefully make it through one more night? What must it be like to burn with hunger and have no idea when or if that will ever end? What must it be like to hear your baby cry and be powerless to give him what he needs?
Oh, yeah … I’m pretty damn lucky. See? All a matter of perspective.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN
“Falling in love.” What does that mean? What does it mean when you do it? What does it mean when someone else does it with you? And if you can fall in love, can you fall out of it, too?
It seems like “love” is the only area in which falling is seen as a good thing! Otherwise, falling is something we spend a considerable amount of time and energy endeavoring to avoid! But when it’s L-O-V-E , we just can’t wait to take the tumble!
I remember my first time to “fall in love.” His name was Charles Brock, and we were both in the seventh grade. He was skinny with huge brown eyes, a sweet and crooked smile, and this shock of blond hair that would tumble over onto his forehead no matter how hard he tried not to let it. Charles wasn’t a great conversationalist, and didn’t care much for music (which has always been a big part of my life), and I honestly can’t remember whether he was very intellectual or not. No, the most attractive thing about Charles was that he was attracted to me! I didn’t understand it, but I was grateful! Finally, I was part of the grownup world of being “in love.”
I remember that a few years before that, I asked my mom how come all the songs were about being in love. As I said, music has always been a huge part of me, and at around 8 or 9 I noticed that just about every song I heard anywhere ever was about people who were “in love.” My mom told me all the songs were about that because it was just about the most important thing in life. That was a little confusing, because she had previously always said that my little brother and me were the most important things in life.
I asked her how you know when you’re “in love,” and her response was most unsatisfactory – “Oh, sweetie, when you’re in love, you just know!” Well, what kind of an answer was that? I was terribly disappointed in Mom for that one!
And yet here I was, a few years later, at the tender age of 13, having just been kissed for the very first time in my life by Charles Brock with his shock of blond hair and crooked smile, and suddenly it all made perfect sense. Yep, I was in love. And I knew it. Mom had been right … when you are, you just know!
Of course, Charles was the first, but he certainly wasn’t the last. I’ve been “in love” a few more times since then. I was “in love” with Billy in high school, and he was in love with me too, for awhile. Until he was in love with someone else. I wasn’t in love with Bobby, the man to whom I surrendered my virginity. He was very nice, and I liked him a lot, but we weren’t in love. I was deeply in lust with the man who became my first husband. Although I grew to love him during our short three years as man and wife, when we first got together, it was absolutely about the fabulous sexual connection, which was really all we ever had in common anyway. And my second and final husband – the father of my child – is someone with whom I never even shared so much as the illusion of love. We each had our own reasons for marrying one another, and none of them had to do with romance or even lust.
There was a boy in there that I dearly and deeply loved, from the time we first connected in high school until this very day. I loved Terry with my whole heart and soul, and I love him still. I expect to love him throughout the remainder of this lifetime, and on into the next. It was a love that was borne of a genuine soul connection, and it took up residence inside my heart permanently. The follies of youth invaded our lives and caused us to part and go our separate ways. He is now happily married to a wonderful woman, and I am genuinely happy for him. But I will go on loving him forever, of that there is no doubt.
Notice I didn’t say I “fell in love” with him? I remember some very tender and sweet feelings as I was getting to know Terry better and better; the kind of affection that grows daily as someone opens to you like a flower; the kind of warmth that spreads through your being when you innately know your heart is completely safe with this person. But there was no “falling.” It never felt like a shock. In my experience, falling in love always feels like a shock.
You see, I have analyzed this phenomenon in the last few years, concomitant with my personal and spiritual growth, and I have come to realize that “falling in love” is far from the wonderful, be-all, end-all pinnacle of life it’s touted to be. In fact, it’s actually quite an unhealthy reaction, in my opinion. It’s more like succumbing to an addictive substance than growing larger and stronger as a human.
You see, “falling in love” feels kind of like a drug-induced high. You’re riding a wave of euphoria you hope will never end. At first, everything about the person who is the object of your affection – or object of your addiction? – seems to be perfect and shiny and miraculous. This person appears to have no flaws, like an angel descended from heaven to finally make your life complete!
In fact, it is an addiction of sorts, this type of relationship. What you’re addicted to, though, isn’t a substance, and it isn’t really even another person; what you’re addicted to is the feeling of being adored. You’re addicted to how the reflection of your wonderful Self in another’s eyes makes you feel about YOU! It’s rather like a surfer riding the biggest, most perfect wave in the world. The only problem is that wave must eventually, inevitably come crashing against the shore, and when that happens in our romantic relationships, we’re never prepared for it, it always comes as a hideous surprise, and we allow ourselves to be devastated.
Now you’re going cold turkey, against your will, “jonesing” for what’s been yanked away from you. You think you’re in love and you’re missing that person; in reality, what you’re missing, what you’re craving, is the way the other person made you feel about yourself. You very quickly became accustomed to the high of feeling adored, and now that it’s been torn away from you, it hurts down to the quick.
The bad news is, that was never real love.
The good news is, that was never real love!
What? You’re not convinced? Let me illuminate this for you.
Do you have kids? Know how you feel about your kids? You know, that unconditional adoration that lives in your heart and that is independent of their feelings, moods, or behavior? THAT, my friend, is real love!
Know that friend who you felt connected to from the first moment you met? The one that you can always turn to no matter what? The one who’ll tell you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not? The one you will be there for through thick and thin, even the consequences of doing exactly what you warned against? THAT is real love!
You know that four-legged critter that can’t wait for you to get home at the end of the day? The one you yelled at this morning for getting in your way because you overslept and were running late? The one you forgot to feed the other day? The one you sometimes ignore for days on end, but who is always just as happy to see you as ever? THAT is real love!
The “falling in love” phenomenon is real, too, but it’s different. It’s your first taste of what it feels like to be unconditionally adored. But that’s all any other person can ever give you – a taste.
But … and here comes the REAL good news … you CAN have that feeling all the time, on a daily basis, every minute of every day, and under nobody’s control but your own! YOU can give that to YOU!!!! That’s the value of the “in love” experience. You’ve now had a taste of total acceptance and you don’t ever want it to end; but as long as the locus of control is external to yourself, it WILL end.
So take this as a sign, a signal that you have work to do. You need to work on loving your glorious and magnificent Self. You need to “fall in love” with YOU! Take the time to cultivate your own unconditional adoration! Start noticing every little wonderful thing about you, and compliment yourself for those things. Spend time basking in your own company, and admiring your amazing qualities. Dress up in your very finest and take yourself out on a date, making sure to comment on how fabulous and sexy and delicious you look!
You see, the concept is very simple, even if it’s not easy to implement: you can never give away that which you do not possess. If I asked you to give me 100 gold coins, you would have to say no. Whether or not you like me, or would be willing to part with some gold, or think my reasons are worthy … none of that is relevant. You would have to say no because you don’t HAVE 100 gold coins. Now, if you DID have 100 gold coins, then it would get down to those other issues, and you would need to duly and reasonably consider them and weigh the value of each, and make a logical decision.
It’s the same with love. You cannot give away that which you do not possess. We all need love, and hanker for it in our deepest inner being. But the foundation of fulfillment of this desire must come from within. Until you have love, you cannot give away love. And the same is true of all humans. So as long as you go around trying to gobble up the love of another person in a well-intentioned, albeit horribly misguided, attempt to fill that void within your soul, you are bound for disappointment. You will find yourself crashing against those rocks on the shore, wondering why this happened again and what you’re doing wrong and why nobody can love you for long.
The answer is inside you. The solution is already in your soul. YOU have to love you, unconditionally, with premeditated reckless abandon, unreservedly and unabashedly! Then and only then will you find yourself able to connect with another person in a healthy, loving relationship that actually might stand a chance of lasting the rest of this lifetime!
It seems like “love” is the only area in which falling is seen as a good thing! Otherwise, falling is something we spend a considerable amount of time and energy endeavoring to avoid! But when it’s L-O-V-E , we just can’t wait to take the tumble!
I remember my first time to “fall in love.” His name was Charles Brock, and we were both in the seventh grade. He was skinny with huge brown eyes, a sweet and crooked smile, and this shock of blond hair that would tumble over onto his forehead no matter how hard he tried not to let it. Charles wasn’t a great conversationalist, and didn’t care much for music (which has always been a big part of my life), and I honestly can’t remember whether he was very intellectual or not. No, the most attractive thing about Charles was that he was attracted to me! I didn’t understand it, but I was grateful! Finally, I was part of the grownup world of being “in love.”
I remember that a few years before that, I asked my mom how come all the songs were about being in love. As I said, music has always been a huge part of me, and at around 8 or 9 I noticed that just about every song I heard anywhere ever was about people who were “in love.” My mom told me all the songs were about that because it was just about the most important thing in life. That was a little confusing, because she had previously always said that my little brother and me were the most important things in life.
I asked her how you know when you’re “in love,” and her response was most unsatisfactory – “Oh, sweetie, when you’re in love, you just know!” Well, what kind of an answer was that? I was terribly disappointed in Mom for that one!
And yet here I was, a few years later, at the tender age of 13, having just been kissed for the very first time in my life by Charles Brock with his shock of blond hair and crooked smile, and suddenly it all made perfect sense. Yep, I was in love. And I knew it. Mom had been right … when you are, you just know!
Of course, Charles was the first, but he certainly wasn’t the last. I’ve been “in love” a few more times since then. I was “in love” with Billy in high school, and he was in love with me too, for awhile. Until he was in love with someone else. I wasn’t in love with Bobby, the man to whom I surrendered my virginity. He was very nice, and I liked him a lot, but we weren’t in love. I was deeply in lust with the man who became my first husband. Although I grew to love him during our short three years as man and wife, when we first got together, it was absolutely about the fabulous sexual connection, which was really all we ever had in common anyway. And my second and final husband – the father of my child – is someone with whom I never even shared so much as the illusion of love. We each had our own reasons for marrying one another, and none of them had to do with romance or even lust.
There was a boy in there that I dearly and deeply loved, from the time we first connected in high school until this very day. I loved Terry with my whole heart and soul, and I love him still. I expect to love him throughout the remainder of this lifetime, and on into the next. It was a love that was borne of a genuine soul connection, and it took up residence inside my heart permanently. The follies of youth invaded our lives and caused us to part and go our separate ways. He is now happily married to a wonderful woman, and I am genuinely happy for him. But I will go on loving him forever, of that there is no doubt.
Notice I didn’t say I “fell in love” with him? I remember some very tender and sweet feelings as I was getting to know Terry better and better; the kind of affection that grows daily as someone opens to you like a flower; the kind of warmth that spreads through your being when you innately know your heart is completely safe with this person. But there was no “falling.” It never felt like a shock. In my experience, falling in love always feels like a shock.
You see, I have analyzed this phenomenon in the last few years, concomitant with my personal and spiritual growth, and I have come to realize that “falling in love” is far from the wonderful, be-all, end-all pinnacle of life it’s touted to be. In fact, it’s actually quite an unhealthy reaction, in my opinion. It’s more like succumbing to an addictive substance than growing larger and stronger as a human.
You see, “falling in love” feels kind of like a drug-induced high. You’re riding a wave of euphoria you hope will never end. At first, everything about the person who is the object of your affection – or object of your addiction? – seems to be perfect and shiny and miraculous. This person appears to have no flaws, like an angel descended from heaven to finally make your life complete!
In fact, it is an addiction of sorts, this type of relationship. What you’re addicted to, though, isn’t a substance, and it isn’t really even another person; what you’re addicted to is the feeling of being adored. You’re addicted to how the reflection of your wonderful Self in another’s eyes makes you feel about YOU! It’s rather like a surfer riding the biggest, most perfect wave in the world. The only problem is that wave must eventually, inevitably come crashing against the shore, and when that happens in our romantic relationships, we’re never prepared for it, it always comes as a hideous surprise, and we allow ourselves to be devastated.
Now you’re going cold turkey, against your will, “jonesing” for what’s been yanked away from you. You think you’re in love and you’re missing that person; in reality, what you’re missing, what you’re craving, is the way the other person made you feel about yourself. You very quickly became accustomed to the high of feeling adored, and now that it’s been torn away from you, it hurts down to the quick.
The bad news is, that was never real love.
The good news is, that was never real love!
What? You’re not convinced? Let me illuminate this for you.
Do you have kids? Know how you feel about your kids? You know, that unconditional adoration that lives in your heart and that is independent of their feelings, moods, or behavior? THAT, my friend, is real love!
Know that friend who you felt connected to from the first moment you met? The one that you can always turn to no matter what? The one who’ll tell you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not? The one you will be there for through thick and thin, even the consequences of doing exactly what you warned against? THAT is real love!
You know that four-legged critter that can’t wait for you to get home at the end of the day? The one you yelled at this morning for getting in your way because you overslept and were running late? The one you forgot to feed the other day? The one you sometimes ignore for days on end, but who is always just as happy to see you as ever? THAT is real love!
The “falling in love” phenomenon is real, too, but it’s different. It’s your first taste of what it feels like to be unconditionally adored. But that’s all any other person can ever give you – a taste.
But … and here comes the REAL good news … you CAN have that feeling all the time, on a daily basis, every minute of every day, and under nobody’s control but your own! YOU can give that to YOU!!!! That’s the value of the “in love” experience. You’ve now had a taste of total acceptance and you don’t ever want it to end; but as long as the locus of control is external to yourself, it WILL end.
So take this as a sign, a signal that you have work to do. You need to work on loving your glorious and magnificent Self. You need to “fall in love” with YOU! Take the time to cultivate your own unconditional adoration! Start noticing every little wonderful thing about you, and compliment yourself for those things. Spend time basking in your own company, and admiring your amazing qualities. Dress up in your very finest and take yourself out on a date, making sure to comment on how fabulous and sexy and delicious you look!
You see, the concept is very simple, even if it’s not easy to implement: you can never give away that which you do not possess. If I asked you to give me 100 gold coins, you would have to say no. Whether or not you like me, or would be willing to part with some gold, or think my reasons are worthy … none of that is relevant. You would have to say no because you don’t HAVE 100 gold coins. Now, if you DID have 100 gold coins, then it would get down to those other issues, and you would need to duly and reasonably consider them and weigh the value of each, and make a logical decision.
It’s the same with love. You cannot give away that which you do not possess. We all need love, and hanker for it in our deepest inner being. But the foundation of fulfillment of this desire must come from within. Until you have love, you cannot give away love. And the same is true of all humans. So as long as you go around trying to gobble up the love of another person in a well-intentioned, albeit horribly misguided, attempt to fill that void within your soul, you are bound for disappointment. You will find yourself crashing against those rocks on the shore, wondering why this happened again and what you’re doing wrong and why nobody can love you for long.
The answer is inside you. The solution is already in your soul. YOU have to love you, unconditionally, with premeditated reckless abandon, unreservedly and unabashedly! Then and only then will you find yourself able to connect with another person in a healthy, loving relationship that actually might stand a chance of lasting the rest of this lifetime!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
PINPOINTS
I just realized something this morning. Something that made me smile. I’ve made quite a bit of genuine progress! I saw a post from a friend on Facebook about going through the roughest time of her life. This particular person is really more of an acquaintance than a friend (although I would like that to change and am hoping it will), so I don’t know the specifics of whatever it is she’s going through; but my empathic self has picked up one thing for certain … she significantly underestimates her Self and has no idea how strong nor how valuable she really is.
That’s when it hit me … I don’t do that to me any more! Not every day of my life is stellar and sterling, and not every moment of my existence am I whistling a happy tune with bluebirds fluttering around my head. But even on my darkest days, even on days when I feel sad or discouraged or downhearted or frustrated or just plain overwhelmed, I don’t ever, ever feel completely lost or lonely or adrift any more. THAT IS HUGE, PEOPLE! There was a time in my life when lost, lonely, and adrift were pretty much my regular state of being, with little isolated incidences of brighter moods here and there, like tiny pinpoints of light in a vast sea of darkness … never predictable or dependable or within my control (that I knew of), but just enough to keep me from going COMPLETELY off the deep end.
Then as I began my Self-work lo these twenty-plus years ago, those pinpoints of light began to show up a bit more often. After awhile, they were more than just tiny pinpoints … they came more frequently and lasted longer each time. I was beginning to garner a sense that there was a connection between the work I was consciously doing on me and the increase of the light, and though I still didn’t have a firm grasp on causing or controlling them, I knew I was heading in the right general direction.
Over the years, with a shift so gradual as to be almost imperceptible to anyone, perhaps, except my Self, the light became the norm and the occurrences of darkness the anomalies … pretty much down to “pinpoint” status, and with lessening frequency and impact.
I noticed another thing not too long ago … when the darkness does appear, it takes MUCH less time to dissipate now than it used to! What would once have been a funk that might last several weeks now washes over me and recedes in a matter of days or even hours!
But it wasn’t until I saw my friend’s post this morning on Facebook that I realized how far I really have come! My lowest low nowadays is little more than a momentary glitch on the radar that disappears almost as soon as it presents itself! And now that I DO know that I’m in control of my emotions, if I’m tired or distracted enough to let a pinpoint of darkness pop up, it’s not shattering or devastating any more, because I simply order it away as soon as I notice it! And even in my worst moments, I no longer feel utterly lost and adrift, because I have my anchor, and my anchor is my glorious, fabulous, wondrous, beautiful, amazing, awesome Self! I have ME! I am my center, and no storm that shows up can sever that certainty! There is an indwelling of peace that permeates my soul and which cannot be rocked by any exterior circumstance, event, or occurrence.
That is a miracle to me, and I sit here beaming with joy at having realized that I’ve attained that for my Self! But there’s an even greater miracle that I’m now moving toward … establishing within my Self this unshakeable, immovable base of peace was only the first part of my dharma; the next part, I am just now seeing, is to share it with the world!
So I now consciously and intentionally embark upon the shift into the next phase of my life, evolving to ever-expanding fulfillment of my purpose, my reason for coming here this time … to take what I have learned in this great lab experiment known as my life and interpret the results and share them with those in this world who are thirsting and ready to receive!
And so it begins. And so it is!
That’s when it hit me … I don’t do that to me any more! Not every day of my life is stellar and sterling, and not every moment of my existence am I whistling a happy tune with bluebirds fluttering around my head. But even on my darkest days, even on days when I feel sad or discouraged or downhearted or frustrated or just plain overwhelmed, I don’t ever, ever feel completely lost or lonely or adrift any more. THAT IS HUGE, PEOPLE! There was a time in my life when lost, lonely, and adrift were pretty much my regular state of being, with little isolated incidences of brighter moods here and there, like tiny pinpoints of light in a vast sea of darkness … never predictable or dependable or within my control (that I knew of), but just enough to keep me from going COMPLETELY off the deep end.
Then as I began my Self-work lo these twenty-plus years ago, those pinpoints of light began to show up a bit more often. After awhile, they were more than just tiny pinpoints … they came more frequently and lasted longer each time. I was beginning to garner a sense that there was a connection between the work I was consciously doing on me and the increase of the light, and though I still didn’t have a firm grasp on causing or controlling them, I knew I was heading in the right general direction.
Over the years, with a shift so gradual as to be almost imperceptible to anyone, perhaps, except my Self, the light became the norm and the occurrences of darkness the anomalies … pretty much down to “pinpoint” status, and with lessening frequency and impact.
I noticed another thing not too long ago … when the darkness does appear, it takes MUCH less time to dissipate now than it used to! What would once have been a funk that might last several weeks now washes over me and recedes in a matter of days or even hours!
But it wasn’t until I saw my friend’s post this morning on Facebook that I realized how far I really have come! My lowest low nowadays is little more than a momentary glitch on the radar that disappears almost as soon as it presents itself! And now that I DO know that I’m in control of my emotions, if I’m tired or distracted enough to let a pinpoint of darkness pop up, it’s not shattering or devastating any more, because I simply order it away as soon as I notice it! And even in my worst moments, I no longer feel utterly lost and adrift, because I have my anchor, and my anchor is my glorious, fabulous, wondrous, beautiful, amazing, awesome Self! I have ME! I am my center, and no storm that shows up can sever that certainty! There is an indwelling of peace that permeates my soul and which cannot be rocked by any exterior circumstance, event, or occurrence.
That is a miracle to me, and I sit here beaming with joy at having realized that I’ve attained that for my Self! But there’s an even greater miracle that I’m now moving toward … establishing within my Self this unshakeable, immovable base of peace was only the first part of my dharma; the next part, I am just now seeing, is to share it with the world!
So I now consciously and intentionally embark upon the shift into the next phase of my life, evolving to ever-expanding fulfillment of my purpose, my reason for coming here this time … to take what I have learned in this great lab experiment known as my life and interpret the results and share them with those in this world who are thirsting and ready to receive!
And so it begins. And so it is!
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