PINPOINTS

I just realized something this morning. Something that made me smile. I’ve made quite a bit of genuine progress! I saw a post from a friend on Facebook about going through the roughest time of her life. This particular person is really more of an acquaintance than a friend (although I would like that to change and am hoping it will), so I don’t know the specifics of whatever it is she’s going through; but my empathic self has picked up one thing for certain … she significantly underestimates her Self and has no idea how strong nor how valuable she really is.

That’s when it hit me … I don’t do that to me any more! Not every day of my life is stellar and sterling, and not every moment of my existence am I whistling a happy tune with bluebirds fluttering around my head. But even on my darkest days, even on days when I feel sad or discouraged or downhearted or frustrated or just plain overwhelmed, I don’t ever, ever feel completely lost or lonely or adrift any more. THAT IS HUGE, PEOPLE! There was a time in my life when lost, lonely, and adrift were pretty much my regular state of being, with little isolated incidences of brighter moods here and there, like tiny pinpoints of light in a vast sea of darkness … never predictable or dependable or within my control (that I knew of), but just enough to keep me from going COMPLETELY off the deep end.

Then as I began my Self-work lo these twenty-plus years ago, those pinpoints of light began to show up a bit more often. After awhile, they were more than just tiny pinpoints … they came more frequently and lasted longer each time. I was beginning to garner a sense that there was a connection between the work I was consciously doing on me and the increase of the light, and though I still didn’t have a firm grasp on causing or controlling them, I knew I was heading in the right general direction.

Over the years, with a shift so gradual as to be almost imperceptible to anyone, perhaps, except my Self, the light became the norm and the occurrences of darkness the anomalies … pretty much down to “pinpoint” status, and with lessening frequency and impact.

I noticed another thing not too long ago … when the darkness does appear, it takes MUCH less time to dissipate now than it used to! What would once have been a funk that might last several weeks now washes over me and recedes in a matter of days or even hours!

But it wasn’t until I saw my friend’s post this morning on Facebook that I realized how far I really have come! My lowest low nowadays is little more than a momentary glitch on the radar that disappears almost as soon as it presents itself! And now that I DO know that I’m in control of my emotions, if I’m tired or distracted enough to let a pinpoint of darkness pop up, it’s not shattering or devastating any more, because I simply order it away as soon as I notice it! And even in my worst moments, I no longer feel utterly lost and adrift, because I have my anchor, and my anchor is my glorious, fabulous, wondrous, beautiful, amazing, awesome Self! I have ME! I am my center, and no storm that shows up can sever that certainty! There is an indwelling of peace that permeates my soul and which cannot be rocked by any exterior circumstance, event, or occurrence.

That is a miracle to me, and I sit here beaming with joy at having realized that I’ve attained that for my Self! But there’s an even greater miracle that I’m now moving toward … establishing within my Self this unshakeable, immovable base of peace was only the first part of my dharma; the next part, I am just now seeing, is to share it with the world!

So I now consciously and intentionally embark upon the shift into the next phase of my life, evolving to ever-expanding fulfillment of my purpose, my reason for coming here this time … to take what I have learned in this great lab experiment known as my life and interpret the results and share them with those in this world who are thirsting and ready to receive!

And so it begins. And so it is!

CLOUDEEBLUE

Okay, first things first – I will answer the inevitable question about the origin of the name “CLOUDEEBLUE.” Several years ago, shortly after getting my first computer, I had to come up with a name to use for my email address. My real name was “already in use,” so I started thinking about things that I like, things that mean something to me or say something about how I feel. As my mind drifted, I imagined myself lying in a lovely green field on the side of some unnamed hill somewhere, gazing up into the sky, feeling that all was right with the world. I watched as soft, marshmallowy clouds drifted by in a sky of dazzling blue, and I was filled with a sense of peace and wonder. “That’s it!” I thought. So I typed in “cloudyblue” as my choice for an email name, and, alas, it was “already in use” just like my actual name! Not to be dissuaded, however, I thought maybe I could get the name if I varied the spelling a bit.

Now, let me stop here and say that, as a wordsmith and a worshipper of language, one of my pet peeves is cutesy misspellings of common words, like “Krab Fest” or “Lazy Daze Sale” (although that last one could arguably be a well-placed double entendre). So the thought of doing precisely that with my own email name was something I wasn’t quite sure about. But I really loved the feeling of warmth and serenity that accompanied my imagined foray into that hillside scene, so I hesitantly typed in “CLOUDEEBLUE” and, lo and behold, that name was available!

I pushed the button to accept, and from that moment on, I have been using the moniker as my email name. Every time I’m in a store and see those blue pajamas with clouds floating on them, I smile. (I never got any of them, though, and I’m not sure why – maybe that’s a good thing for my next Christmas wish list!) And once, I even found a mouse pad with that scene on it, and I was near delirious!

So when it came time to pick a name for a blog, I naturally gravitated to CLOUDEEBLUE. The picture at the top of this page is not EXACTLY like the puffy-cloud-adorned blue sky from my meditation that first day, but it is a photo I took myself, from one of my favorite locations on earth – a beautiful, chalet-style cabin on the side of a mountain in Oregon – and it very much gave me the same wondrous “cloudeeblue” feeling.

As to what this blog will be, that’s something I’ve been contemplating for awhile now. I decided that I will write about the things that matter most in life – at least in my life – and always with the goal of following that “cloudeeblue” sense of deep-down inner calm and joy. You see, “cloudeeblue” isn’t an exuberant, loud joy; rather, it’s a quiet, all-too-easy-to-miss feeling, but a very important feeling, nonetheless. It’s important to find the sacred in the ordinary; the magic in the mundane; the “cloudeeblue” in the normal. It’s there. It’s always there. Sometimes you just have to look for it, and sometimes you have to look real hard. But it’s so worth it when you do. Let’s look together and celebrate what we find!